Wednesday, October 6, 2010

it's not goodbye, it's "see you later"

I put up a few posts from my last sad attempt at a blog because this one looked pathetic with next to no posts.

I still like this one even though I wrote it months ago. It captures my attitude right before graduating from college pretty well. I'll prep you right now; it's long.

So, my last post couldn’t have been anymore truthfully indicative of the future if it tried. This semester I managed to get drunk enough to do multiple embarassing things—which is something I usually pride myself on NOT doing (and which I will try to hold onto the last shred of my dignity by not mentioning it and further than that)—and definitely, definitely managed to freak out “oodles of times”.

Most people 2 weeks from graduation have some kind of plan…grad school in the fall, a job either directly after school or shortly thereafter, you know, normal after school plans. What am I doing, then? HA, funny you should ask. Because I have no idea.  For now, I managed to at least secure a room in a house by my school so I can take an extra class that I need for a grad program I may or may not want to apply to in the fall, which I will pay for by waitressing at a dive bar down the street.  Oh, that sounds exciting! What will you be doing in your free time, Erin?  Well, since you asked, I will be thanking the Lord I’m not living in the house of my recently-separated parents, awkwardly avoiding normal conversation with my father and at least a painful twenty minutes away from any of the people I actually care to spend time with.  Plus volunteering at various hospitals to get the hours I need for the aforementioned possible grad program.

As pessimistic as I do seem about all of this, I’m really not.  I know this stage of my life is only temporary. And as absolutely wonderful and miserable these past four years were, I’m excited to be on my own and actually start my life.  I’ve always been terribly  independent, and the opportunity to literally do whatever I want with my life is exhilarating and horrifying at the same time.  My only problem is that I want to do EVERYTHING. I haven’t really discussed this with anyone yet, but I would absolutely love to join the Peace Corps…I just don’t know if I can commit to two whole years in a completely different country…we all know how commitment makes me sweat.  The fact that the only commitment I’ve ever wanted to actually make blew up in my face rather rudely (and several times, I might add) doesn’t help either.  But, hey, maybe in a few years!  I can’t say anything for certain because I don’t know…and I love that feeling.

I know most people at this stage are freaking out about all the friends they made in college, if they’re going to stay in touch, what if we all move away, etc, etc.  To be honest, I don’t care.  And this is NOT because I don’t care about my college friends because I have made some of the best friends ever here—I would do next to anything for them and to be honest, I love a lot of them more than some of my extended family members.  I’m just not worried about losing touch.  Those who are meant to stay in my life will, and those who aren’t will fade away eventually.  A lot of people think this is sad but I think it’s realistic.  People are constantly changing and growing and “shit happens”.  Your friends change along with you but not necessarily WITH you, or at the same rate or magnitude as you. I’ve learned from experience that “no matter the miles, I’m back to you” (thank you, Sara Bareilles.  From your song lyrics, I am convinced we’ve lived the same life).  I have friends that I may not live close to or necessarily have talked to in a long time, however, I know they are only a phone call or a car/plane ride away.  Unfortunately (and fortunately!), you can’t hold onto the past.  The best things are always right around the corner.

My personality seminar has been focusing a lot on fate and decisions lately, and frankly it’s opened up my eyes a lot.  It also has helped me form some thoughts that may ultimately end up being my downfall.  I care about other people, but to some extent, I don’t really trust them.  You can manipulate others, but you can’t control them.  And there are some people out there that just don’t fit you.  Ever been in that relationship where “well, if (s)he would just realize [blah blah blah]” or “if (s)he could figure out {yadda yadda yadda]”?? Yeah, we all have.  Newsflash, honey bunches of oats….you’re going after the wrong person for you. At least, for the time being.  I have full belief that certain people grow into each other, and that people meet the right person at the wrong time.  But here’s the deal..sulking about it is just going to bring you down.  Yeah, it sucks. Trust me, been there, done that, still living in that neighborhood.  BUT, I think the difference here is that I don’t let it run my life anymore.  The biology student inside me is cringing, but I think everything happens for a reason.  Buuuut I think that reason is that we have to live and deal with “everything” that happens.  It makes us feel better to say “it happens for a reason”.  When you think about it, well, what else could it have happened?  You only get one life, which is a serious of multifaceted and complex cause-and-effect reactions.  Everything that happens to you somehow plays a role in forming the person you are, your attitude and therefore your actions.

YOU control your attitude about life.  As humans, we are conformed to some extent by our culture and society but individual differences can never be fully taken away.  How mundane and uneventful would the world be if everyone was similar? Experience is everything, even if those experiences are bad ones.  The world isn’t full of happy things or perfect people.  And while the bad times suck, if we didn’t have them, how would we know how the great the good ones are? A person with no experiences or emotions, in my opinion, isn’t really a person.
“I’m riding the highs and diggin’ the lows, cuz at least I feel alive”
       I’m Feelin’ You—Santana ft. the Wreckers
I’d rather feel alive, wouldn’t you?

Wow, it sounds like apparently that last line was supposed to be revolutionary. Dramatic, I warned you.

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