Wednesday, October 13, 2010


For the majority of my commute today, I was graced with the presence of a car covered with PETA-esque and vegan bumper stickers yelling at me about how only Satan eats meat, etc etc. No no, "covered" is putting it lightly. And calling it a "car" is, well, debatable. Sooooo...rebuttal.

Topic of the day: Vegetarianism is idiotic.

Disclaimer: Right away, I apologize if you are a vegetarian; moreso if you are a vegan. Mostly because I feel bad for you, with your sub-par IQ and under-nourished body. I realize that I’m probably being insensitive (yes) and if I offend you (most likely), remember it’s just my opinion and if you don’t agree with me you can get caught up in your very own angry rant and then we’ll have something in common (sort of).

From my understanding, there are different kinds of vegetarianism:
Vegans: only eat plant products, such as fruits and veggies, legumes, grains, etc. Aka, deer.
Lacto-vegetarians: plant products and dairy-based foods like milk and cheese (mutant deer)
Ovo-vegetarians: these lucky bitches can also eat eggs.
Semi-vegetarians: (the cerebral cortex isn’t totally faulty in this individual, mostly because they're not real vegetarians) eat all of the above and also chicken/fish meats. Red meat is a big no-no.

Now I understand some people legitimately do not like the taste of meat and it grosses them out; others have certain dietary restrictions. These are the only acceptable forms of vegetarianism.

Vegetarian Excuse #1: “It’s a healthier lifestyle.”
No, no. You need protein, dumbass. Do you really want your sole sources of protein to be nuts and other weird things that don’t actually taste like anything?  Also, any diet that requires you to take multiple vitamin supplements so you don’t die or at least so you function normally is insane. Most of my argument here is geared toward the vegans. The other kinds of vegetarianism aren’t so severe, especially if you allow dairy and eggs. But really, just eat a balanced, normal diet. I don’t understand why a million different doctors and nutritionists haven’t gotten through to people yet. You’re not going to die or gain ten pounds immediately if you have steak and shrimp one night. I promise.

Just cutting out meat and eating a bunch of weird crap is going to do nothing but rob your wallet. But if you really are that serious about cutting out meat and being perfectly healthy, I’m assuming you also run 15 miles a day, never drink alcohol and have an aneurysm anytime you’re within 50 feet of a cigarette (lit or unlit). In which case, LIVE A LITTLE. I’d rather die 10 years early and have rocked the fuck out of my life than live until I’m 100 and have spent most of my time obsessing about my health. Happy mediums, people.

Vegetarian Excuse #2: “Animals are people, too!”
They’re actually not. But good try. See Excuse #4 for more details.

Vegetarian Excuse #3 (a more articulate version of #2): “Animals are treated cruelly and shouldn’t be used as food!”
Okay, well I was sort of listening until that second part. I’ll agree that a lot of places don’t treat their livestock humanely. That’s why there’s organic or cage-free options. You spent a little more, but the animals frolic around in fields before Doomsday and you have a free conscience. Look, everyone’s happy!!

#4 goes hand-in-hand with #3…

Vegetarian Excuse #4: “Animals are not food or science experiments!”
Okay, stop blubbering about animal rights and groping your 15 rescue bunnies for two seconds and listen to me.
Thank you. This is the excuse that gets me the most peeved. I understand that some weirdos get super-anal about their health. Fine. You do you, boo. But people who prance around crying about me eating a cow is a little ridiculous. I actually love animals and I agree that they shouldn’t be treated like shit their whole lives just to turn into food. However, I realize that there’s grey area. LIFE IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE, PEOPLE. And remember, animals are here to BE food. Basic biology, kids. It’s the circle of life…consider me your Mufasa.

Maybe in an idyllic society we’d all be vegetarians and no one would get sick and we could all dance around and hold hands and smile at each other and ride happy cows and hold bunnies. However, I did not take acid this morning and this is not the case. These people need a reality check. The tiny hippie inside of me would love for all animals to live happy, happy lives and never die but when it comes down to it, we need to balance that out for the greater good of people. You know, OUR species? Homo sapiens. Are you following? We’re technically animals.

Sorry, I realize I’m getting complicated here. Let me break it down.
People = animals
Animals ≠ people

We good? We have complex thought and emotions and have the ability to think of society as a whole beyond instincts. So let’s do that, please. Utilitarianism, anyone?

There’s a little organization called the IACUC. That’s the Institutional Animal Care and Use Committee.  These vagrants have a whole friggin’ book dedicated to making sure you give all the rats massages and send them to the day-spa throughout the course of the experiment. Not really, but trust me, they ensure that the animals are treated properly and if any euthanization is necessary, it’s in the most humane way possible. A lot of the time this includes flower-dances and music hour before gently putting the animal into a trance-turned-deep-sleep.

I know you just gripped your bunnies tighter because you know the animals still die sometimes.

Guess what? An incredible amount of research (particularly medical) and drugs that help millions upon millions of sick people everyday came out of this kind of research. Which, if you’re a perfectly healthy person, you may know nothing about.  But ultimately, these animals helped us. Think about your bunnies in little scrubs with teeny-tiny stethoscopes draped around their necks. Help any?

...not really?

Would you rather those experiments be done on humans?? If you even say yes, please end your life. Well, no. Contribute your body to science. Now. Not after you die. Go out right now and enter yourself into multiple drug trials. Preferably one where parts of the brain or organs need to be removed and weighed or biopsied. Also, extensive experimenting on humans would make taxes will go up a shitload and you probably won’t be able to go about your daily life during or even after the necessary trials. Not to mention fatalities. On humans. And children. Tell me, is that more suitable to your moral code??

Now wouldn’t that just be much easier, less invasive, less expensive and all-around more beneficial to society to do it on animals that don’t really exist for much purpose other than to be a part of the food chain?

That’s what I thought.

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